One day can change your life

One year ago today, changed A LOT for me, my family, my children, my view and my faith. I think about that day every day, I wonder what went wrong, how it went so wrong, so fast, what I did wrong and I also think about how grateful I am for that day (weird as that sounds) to help me learn some things about my dad and how he prioritizes (or doesn't) his family.

Everyday, I go through the following:
How mad at him I am
Why he did what he did
Why he stood by and let what happened, happen
Why he has yet to apologize, or even show any ounce of regret
Does he miss us and what is it exactly that he misses
How is he doing
What is his life like now
Is he as isolated as I think he is, thanks to her and to his actions
What is that house like to live in...how toxic and scary to think about
I worry about him in that house, with her, daily...but then I get annoyed at myself cause he has allowed it but then I feel insensitive and then realize that I cant do anything about it.
How I miss him, but really, it is the idea of who he was, before he married 'her'
Why can't he just be a normal dad (whatever normal may be)
What do I tell my kiddos about him when they are old enough to ask, will they ask?
How Kinleigh at one time knew her 'papaw' and now, she has no concept that anyone by that name exists and how that makes my heart hurt for her and for him
How sad I am that I haven't had a dad since I was 13, even though I thought that I did. I had made up the idea of him in my head and then had tried to convince myself that it was real.
How much he is missing in my childrens' lives and in mine
How pride is such a devastating sin and can truly destroy a person...I have been witness to such
How God uses every situation to show us things
I know this is a learning experience for me and I have learned a great deal from it, but really, I wish I could have learned these things in another way. Why did I have to lose my dad to make me learn these things? Was it because I had too much pride or denial myself? Or was this just part of the plan?

Since that day, I have received only 3 emails from him, I have written one response. Not one of his showed any ounce of regret, remorse or anything close to an apology. Instead they were full of guilt trips, anger, hurt, hate and blame. He did not and probably never will take responsibility for his actions, which is a shame for a man of his age not to be able to do. I have yet to fully process how to handle his emails, if they are worthy of a response, what do I say to a man that is that dense? Will what I say matter? (no) and is it even worth my time (probably not).
But then I also think about how this is my dad, this is the man that God put in charge of me and entrusted me in his care, so I can't just throw that away, because in doing so I am telling God that he didn't pick right, he did a bad job and that I am not grateful for his decision making abilities. But how do I handle this, with a man that is not a Christian, does not believe in a higher being and is too stubborn or prideful to probably ever realize that one exists. I don't know that I do handle this. A part of me tells me everyday to pray (and so I do) and another part of me tells me that there is something that I am supposed to be doing (other than praying) but I have yet to know what it is that I need to do. How frustrating. I mean, why can't the answer be there already? Is it really supposed to take this long to know what to do, how to handle this? I know that some things take longer than others but I am not a patient person, by any means.
Anyways, I go through all these thoughts almost daily, some days are better than others, some are worse than others. It makes me mad and upset to think about the fact that Kinleigh knew who he was at one time and now, she never hears the word, 'papaw' she never sees pictures of him and well Liam, he never knew who he was and probably never will. It makes me sad because the memories that I have of my dad are great ones (they are also the ones that I have and keep from before Stacy) and I wish that my kids could have made memories like that with him, I knew they would have enjoyed him and I know he enjoyed the times he was around them. The kids were good for his soul, I could see it. He needed that. Now what?
So what do I do with a dad that allowed his wife to abuse his children? What do I do with a dad that doesn't know the God that I know? now that I have forgiven him, what is next? Do I just sit back and wait, for nothing to happen? I don't know the answers to any of these and honestly, some days I don't want to know the answers, other days, not knowing the answers is what drives me crazy. I am completely aware that I will never know all the answers and I do not want to know all of them. But I do need an apology, I do need him to take responsibility for HIS AND HER actions. My family was not at fault, in any way shape or form. It was not okay for him to let her attack me, my cousin, trample on my brothers wedding night and it was not okay for him to cancel our plane tickets to try and get the last dig in. He was trying to strand my family, knowing full well that we could not pay for tickets home, that is not okay. These things require apologies, ownership and remorse. It was all him and her and until I get that, there is no chance. I cannot and will not let a man who does not own up to what he did be around my children. I do not trust him. He is out for him and him alone. I am here for my children, God entrusted them to me and by turning my back on them, I turn my back on God, that is not an option.
A man takes care of his responsibilities, he takes pride in himself, he views his children as gifts from God, his actions, his words, he has confidence, he admits his faults and he says he is sorry when sorry is the answer. My dad is not a man. My dad is a coward and a lost sheep with so many insecurities that it would take 10, 5 subject five star notebooks to get only some of it out. Maybe one day he will find his Shepherd. Until then, I can only pray for him, for me, for her, for him and I's relationship and for clarity on the entire part of my life that concerned him and her. I need clarity, I need peace.