My 'dad'

Sometimes I miss him, sometimes I don't, sometimes (actually, who am I kidding, all the time) I am mad at him, sometimes I feel sorry for him, sometimes I feel like he is trapped in his current situation, sometimes I wish him well, sometimes I hope he is happy, sometimes I think he is the victim of abuse, sometimes I think he is the abuser, sometimes I think he viewed my brother and I as 'trophies' of a 'successful' life...I don't know if that makes sense to anyone but bubba or I, but, ALL the time...I hope he is missing his children, is missing his grandkids, is realizing what he has done, is realizing that what happened is his and stacie's fault and the biggest, I pray for him...A LOT.

I know that everything before that last thing is completely contradictory and not very Christian of me, but it is hard and I am trying and it has only been 4 months...4 months that he has missed out on Kinleigh and Liam, missed out on our move to another state, missed out on major things in our lives, missed out on birthdays, missed out on summer vacations, missed out on skype dates on sunday evenings, missed out on phone calls with Kinleigh, missed out on emails and soooooo much more.

I pray for him every night and I pray that he finds peace in life, that he comes to terms with the way he has lived his life, with what he has done to cause the way his life has turned out and mostly, I pray that he is happy (even though, deep down, I know that is not true).

It is hard, harder than I thought it was going to be not talking to him. Granted, we haven't had the most amazing relationship since Stacie showed up (16 years ago), but he was still my dad and I still loved him and he was still there for me to call or email or see. Now, he is where I knew he would end up one day in my life...non-existant, all because of her. I can't call, email or see him. I can't call him to tell him about his grandchildren and what they are doing, how they are growing, how they ask about him etc. I doubt he even still has the same phone # or email, although he might, I just haven't tried cause well, I am still soooo mad at him.

I am mad at him for what he did to my brother at his wedding. I am mad at him because he ruined my experience of my only brother's wedding. I am mad at him because of how selfish he is. I am mad because he allowed this psycho woman to do what she did and then he stood by her. I am mad because he allowed her to abuse us for 16 years. I am mad because he can't get over himself for the sake of his grandchildren. I am mad because he has too much pride. I am mad because it has always been about what has looked good to him and not about what really matters. And I am mostly mad because he gave up his children and his grandchildren for a woman who has taken control of his life and all she is after is his money.

Unfortunately, at this point, there is no relationship nor will there be. His concerns for himself and himself alone have guaranteed that. However, that doesn't mean that I don't miss him, think about him, pray for him or get mad at him for what he has done. I know that one day, I won't be so mad and will have completely forgiven him, until then, all I can do is pray for him, myself, my kiddos and my brother.

Fortunately, I did not marry someone like him. That is something that I can be sure and confident of! ;)